barely sober

in the last four or so hours I have honestly put back an inhuman amount of liquid, and have just come to the startling conclusion that I may have only just now sobered up completely. I have drank: a carton of sipss ice tea. a 2 liter bottle of coke, and approximately half a gallon of water. I have peed: once. i'm not even bothering using a glass anymore. i'm like a freak-show exhibit.

speaking of exhibits, in my bizzaro-hood, there is a psychic. she sits in her window allll day, and most of the night, and is by far the creepiest woman alive. Usually i find myself intrigued by psychics, to the point where i consider dropping twenties bills for two ticks of time so she can tell me that she sees someone dark and handsome in my future. ho hum.

but this lady, is a creepster. everytime i walk by, she taps on the glass and stares me down. she can smell fear through the plexiglass. its some reverse zoo shit, where she shouldn't tap the glass because it disorients me and makes my skin crawl. i wish she would stop tapping, i really do, because it is creepy. really really creepy. i wish i didn't have to walk by her to get my coffee in the morning. or have to pass by when i make my daily trips to the liquor store to keep the shakes at bay.
i'm in all sorts of withdrawal and shit because this lady decided its funny to fuck with blondie. i need coffee, i need whiskey, and now all i can think about is this woman tappin' on the glass and beckoning me with her devil eyes.
i feel no urge to visit her. the only urge i feel is to run by her instead of walk.
which i commonly do anyway, since she is situated next to the barbershop which is always surrounded by some vocal fellas.

the whole block is dead to me. this psychic is ruining my life. i want to break her "tap" finger off.

ride like kelly bundy?

If you're a salad dressing, you probably do. As I said in a prior post, I really enjoy commercials. I however, do not really like when songs I enjoy try to sell me things. I mean really? I don't want to listen to songs that are in commercials because they remind me of the things I should be buying. So when three songs I like are in commercials for things I won't buy.

1. Spank Rock Bump 

-featured in Wishbone Salad dressing ad. 

-why I won't buy- because they're not my brand and I like Annie's. 

-I don't like sexy salads, I like mine regular. 

2. Architecture in Helsinki Souvenirs 

-featured in Sprint ad

-why I won't buy- I have an iPhone

3. Moldy Peaches Anyone Else But You

-featured in Atlantis Bahamas ad

-I'm too poor to even consider buying this. 

-I forgave Kimya for this because I already forgave her for going on the View. 

only in ny...

This morning on my way to work, I saw things that I'm pretty sure only happen in NYC...

1. homeless man on cell phone
we've all heard stories on how much money can be made via panhandling but really?? dude was legit texting on a razr while asking me for money. I can barely afford my phone. I may be in the wrong field.

2. merses
aka man-purses. it seems as though there is a merse explosion. today, I saw many of these merses. one dude had a super nice merse. I was jealous.

3. mini apartment
my new place is miniture complete with a mini fridge and no oven. I can't even fit a mini horse there. there go my dreams of marrying big black from rob and big. I was totes going to ask rob for a mini pony as a wedding gift.

did i sleep well? no i made a couple of mistakes.

so last night i dreamt it was going to rain today. and its raining.

therefore i believe i am psychic.

i also believe that psychic is one of the hardest words in the english language to remember how to spell... along with rhythm, psychosis and necessary. (all those words were spelled correctly with the aid of spell check... thank you blogger).

but i also dreamt that my mother's suburban morphed into a tandem bike with a side car and a basket for a small child on the handle bars after J$ almost ran the car off the road into a swamp.
and then we were stuck with a biking community that was plagued with a form of depression that caused them to throw themselves in front of speeding trains.

no more chuck palahniuk before sleepy time anymore.

i think i should be part of a an experiment to test this psychic thing. but you know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
story of my life.

GRADUATION...in yo mouf...

Those crazy NYU liberals...we almost rushed the field with him...NYU's graduation was long. Will Lopez running across the field and getting man handled was the highlight. We support Will and think what he did was excellent! I wish I would have thought of that too. AMAZING. Yankees, stop being uptight (Let's go METS? yes.) ...followed by Michael Strahan's speech, the mispronunciation of Strahan by University prez Sexy Sexton TWICE, and Michael J Fox getting a doctorate and dude making back to the future jokes. The fact that he was charged with trespassing was pretty redic, I mean it was such a long, hot afternoon, we needed that break. Long Island produces some quality kids. Thanks Will! Other highlights include going to the bar at 945, subway ride up, and bronx adventures.

Also, smart kids are bad at the wave. They are good at annoying teachers. I can't wait to get the DVD of the ceremony, I hope I get the uncut edition.

I bought a throw away camera with Disney princesses on it at Walgreens before the ceremony so I have like no picts, hopefully Mega has some good shots.

Our friend Greg summed up our NYU experience pretty well, "I majored in X with a double minor in alcoholism and an acute drug problem"

Congrats kids!!

round the troops.

i am boycotting cabs.

not because they are overpriced... and neither due to a love of walking home late at night alone into the bizzare-o world of the three blockage ghetto-ass manhattan that i live in.

because every cab i have gotten into in the last week has had an unconscionable smell. the very faint sense-memory of it brings me to the edge of manic rage.

well not really, but it grosses me out.

Cait said it smelly cab drivers and not smelly cabs.

thats because she is a racist.

i think its a general social conspiracy to get me to puke in a cab, which proudly, in four years in nyc i have never done (surprising for a weak stomached drunk eh?)

that's because i'm a paranoid delusional.



but for serious, what gives. last night the smell was so vulgar my wide open window didn't even put a dent in the acrid odor.

and the night prior, when a spout of nausea in brooklyn prompted me to almost puke in a garbage can on flatbush ave at 10pm, the stink of the very necessary cab home made me wanna jump out whilst crossing the bk bridge (and don't get me started as to why he took the bk bridge...)

so, in conclusion. no more cabs. unless i spot a air freshner hanging from the rear view mirror. and said air freshener must not be any sort of fruit scented (especially strawberry) or any mix of vanilla or other offensive air freshener varieties. thats just adding insult to injury.


in other news, we walk the walk to freedom from nyu this week. except for cait and me. who will owe nyu money for the greater part of our adulthood. yay college.

I graduated college today...and will do it all over again at yankee stadium tomorrow/

we're going to have a picnic too!! 

i don't know how to wear the little hat. 

i haven't graduated in like 4 years and before that i graduated from kindergarten. 

our robes are purple. but we get a drunken fireworks spectacular tonight which is pretty boss...

now, after drinking with my girls and my dad at lunch, we are going to a carnivale. yay!

We are taking a cab there...meg is ok with it...NOT.

Doppleganger is by fav word!

My day as a doppleganger by me pretending to be jazz

So being jazzy j was a pretty silly job. First we accidently wore the same outfit all day long! Then we walked to union square together jazz wouldn't hold hands! Boo!

I asked jazz to come take half of my final bc the guy at h&m said we were twins! Jazz didnt agree! She's funny! I tried to take Picts of us on the street but she wouldn't stand still.

Tomorrow, she will pretend to be me and write my papers!

What a fun experiment! Thanks jazzzy!

Checklist for the future.

*i decided today is wear the same outfit as jasmine day. so wear a teal-ish blue halter dress, flipflops and gray sweater...
(also decided orange is legit, we voted on this last night.)
So now that we are both college grads, I decided that I needed a checklist of things to do, things that I am now more qualified to do after Tues/Wed...

1. become stand-up comic(s)- this is one that we both can do! we're funnier that a ton of people that preformed and caroline's last night...or atleast more buzzed.
2. get a job...SIKE.
3.meet beyonce and talk about world issues.
4. get a fan club.
5. get a phD in unicorns and NOT in education as originally intented.
6. start that reality tv dating show i dreamed up...i'm getting older, it's time to get serious.
7. get a sticker maker.

Here are some fun things that happened...
i got a cap and gown. they're actually pretty sweet.
If anyone wants to go to grad-alley at nyu (and drink before) I have 2 extra passes. let me know.

this is the story of a girl...

I stole Meg's sad clock because I have decided that waiting for anything is overrated, and thats how I looked, minus the clock-y parts when I stupidly waited for nothing...

Waiting is dumb. I hate waiting for things. For example: I called Odessa after work last night because they deliver late. they told me 45 minutes, I told them that was redic because I just wanted a wrap, they said it wasn't McDonald's, I told them to fuck themselves. I am not the most patient person...but sometimes, due to the fact that I am

 a sucker, I will wait.

This one time I made brunch plans with this friend of mine whom I was linked to romantically. He decided to sleep at some other girls house and not set an alarm. I went to the place, waited, and nothing. I swore I'd never wait again. But a sucker is always a sucker.

let's not rant, let's illustrate this. (aka I should be writing mad final papers in order to graduate but eh, I just saw a sappy romantic movie and it made me sad!)

Hypothetical chick at hypothetical place and time. with a bunch of her friends. waiting for dude who keeps lettin her down. 

hypothetical girl at hypothetical place and later time. (tears didnt really happen but they make for good tv.) this usually how waiting ends up. lameeee.

A. notice time stamp

B. color change clothes, bow, and clock. pretty space aged technology!

C. my sad clock is nowhere near as good as meg's

Moral of story. No one likes waiting. it's pretty lame. 

Thanks Patrick Dempsey!