hipster hair.

hipster hair.

is dumb.

i decided this today right before the cocktail waitress at work split her head open.

seriously.

i went out for a smoke, because i quit quitting, and there was hipster hair everywhere!

why do headbands have to be worn like a jane fonda sweatband?

why do men have pigtails?

aren't hipster supposed to be poor? why are you spending your valuable money on hair gel!?

i just don't get it.

I'm not as artist-y as Meg...but here are so picts of us...so boss.

Wife swap...I really want to be on that show. I know I don't have a husband/kids but I am willing to borrow them in order to make Wednesday night TV better. This episode is scary. but awesome.

It's really nice out. I'm gonna explore.

post-work eval.

So here is the scenerio...

You're out on a classy date with a foxy lady. Say, just for shits and giggles, its a Monday.


(captain reads "wow! dates rule!")


Now, you and your date had a lovely evening thus far, but oh wow! its 1am! How in the world did that happen?
(sad clock)


Whatever should you do!!??

(very threatening/looming question).




You don't really want to drink anymore... it is kind of late, you have to work tomorrow, and you don't wanna loose your cool.
But you don't know exactly how to end the date.

heres how you DON'T end the date.

Don't - bring your date to a (empty) bar after one on a Monday.
Don't - awkwardly avoid eye contact with the bartender who is the ONLY other person in the room.
Don't - order one beer and two waters and play scrabble in the back corner.
Don't - nurse that one beer until well after the bar is obviously closed - aka the gates are down, the candles are out, and the music is off.


It's just awkward buddy. you go, you go and you get yours. you go and you get yours like you deserve!

you obviously don't want that beer... you sat there for and hour and a half and its only a quarter gone... so why, why waste your hard earned money on beer when all you really want is poon.

don't go to a bar. go to bed! seal the deal! because if she isn't drunk, and you haven't closed yet... NOT drinking at a CLOSED bar isn't going to further the cause.

(poon disappears into a puff of smoke...bye-bye poon).

it's 78 degrees out and here's where I'm at...

...my soho office. boo. hopefully it will be nice at like 11 pm when i'm out of babysitting? prob nah.

So I'm moving on up to the Mid. East Side...from the East Village and on my adventures with Patty Cakes last night, I realized some of the things I shall miss about my little 'hood. Thank goodness for the M15 bus and a metrocard. And yes, I am aware that there are only 3 things down there...but theyre pretty cool. Other things I'll miss include: my bodega, my bars (but i'll see them all the time), and my friends (who i'll hopefully see the same amount.) oh and Carlos, my super, because I like when he says hi to me on the street, doesnt fix anything at my apt, and the time he tried to climb through my mini window from my bedroom to the living room.

Here are the 3 things I found last night that I shall miss...

1. MAGIC TRICKS!?

I don't think they have magic above 14th street. Where else can I be con-ed out of a dollar by a due with 6 quaters, 2 metrocards, and a watch that lights things on fire? prob no where. its pure magic, baby.

2. Artichoke.

This place is new but oh goodness it is amazing. NOT ONLY is there an awesome pict of Elvis in the window, but their pizza is boss. Get the spinich/artichoke slice because its like spin-dip ontop of the best pizza dough ever. I will visit when I return delish pizza place. (ps its on 14th btwn 1st and 2nd closer to 1st, next to curly's)

3. Crazies.

I know there will be those, but I'm going to miss my personal dudes. Like the guys who pee on the door of my building, the guy who proposes to me, and the sassy man who sings all the time. sigh. Oh and included in this are 'hood regulars that i see all the time and creepy old men in bars.

Happier news....DID YOU WATCH THE OFFICE? AMAZING. I embaressed myself while watching it bc I was so happy but whateves, don't judge me. Jim and Pam make me really sad that I am a. single. and b. care about people that only exist on tv.

extracurricular activites

drawn by drunken J$ and Jake.

what's the downside? collapse on myself like a dying star?

genital herpes can't stop the hustle.
a study of what I learn from commercials

First and foremost I do not have herpes. Yet, the commercials about the junk wart meds convince me that herpes is actually a freeing experience not a gross horrible disease that will never go away. Here is my reasoning for this...

1. Happy Couples
It seems as though everyone with the herp has an excellent relationship and not one of those people are grossed out by the fact that the person they are boning has disfiguring growths on their privates. Sexy!

2. Outdoor Activities
I've never been kayaking nor have I ever seen a mountian. I am also STD free. Coincidence? I think not. Those commericals make it seem like before those people had the gift that keeps on giving, they never did any extreme sports, now they do all sorts of things like shark hunting in a kayak. Awesome!

The other commercial I enjoy is the one for the preggers test. You know, the one where the girl is running and stops, then says, "I can't concentrate. Could I be pregnant?" This taught me that
if ever I can't concentrate, it's not my ADHD acting up, it prob means that I am pregnant. This has spread and today I got a text from my friend Pat that said:

i can't concentrate on my hw at all. i think i might be pregnant

Pat is a dude.

Commercials also make me want to do and buy things I don't like/want. As we are on a non-smoking lifestyle change, everytime I see a "don't smoke" ad, I really want to. I also am walking to Union Square at 1145 to buy a DVD that comes out at midnight. I am a sucker.

Girl Power

Arelene's Grocery makes claim that their weekly(biweekly...monthly... idon'tfuckingknow) jello wrestling match is empowering to women.
Cuz i know when I feel "the man", or men, are holdin' me down, I like to strip to my skivvies infront of them and wrestle other chicks in a kiddie pool full of jello!

girl power!

here are some other ways to ignite the feminist within' us and empower ourselves.


1. find a super hardcore pimp and start walkin' the streets.

pimps are fun, funky, and fresh! and hey, its not demeaning because its your choice!

2. attend finishing school.

because knowing not to speak until spoken to, how to snag a hubby, and how to keep a proper home are all important skills for girls of any generation to have.

3. find a good man who is smart enough to hit you when you deserve it.

he'll never have to tell you anything twice again, and you'll be so much more attentive to everyones needs!

4. Stop eating.

only start again (slowly!) when your knees are fatter than your thighs. you'll be lookin' fiiiinnnee. You'll get a bf to worship yo hot ass in no time!

5. Get religious.

Not only will accepting Jesus in your heart make you stronger, but taking religious texts verbatim will do you a world of good in finding the goddess within. But dont forget... "34. Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but [they are commanded] to be under obedience, as also saith the law. 35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church." (Corinthians 14:34 - 35*)

6. trade in all your dollars for 76 cents!

what do you need with all those dollars anyway? they're covered with men! at least with coins you can maybe get some Sacagawea action.

don't get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with Jello wrestling... I sure as hell enjoyed it. But don't tell me its some feminist empowering event.



though, today, i'm more inclined to punch the misguided NYU gender studies drop-out who started this crap square in the teeth. Probably has something to do with the fact that A. I think she fell from retarded tree and hit every mongoloid branch on the way down and B. I haven't had a cigarette in many, many hours and this nicotine patch is making me twitchy.

"I dunno im watching jello wrestling...its gotta beat that"

That was Meg's text to me a little bit ago. I don't think there's a lot that beats that...except the way I beat her at Skip-bo about 100 times today at Sunday Bloodys/Skip-bo day.

Meg's birthday party was pretty silly on Thursday. We not only ate the best burgers in NYC at Royale, we also got schwasted (which was the most important goal of the day). We had to...I mean, it was the end of the 21st year, beginning of the 22nd. We are/were a pretty rowdy group but I still think we charmed the pants off everyone we met, in the drunkest way possible. Meg will go into better details about this (and please, feel free to give us your stories about the party...to piece the night together more coherently.)

My sister came in to see me (aka airbrush tan and be in the city) and told some pretty funny stories to my friends about me as a child. Basically, I was a brat who stole her barbie dream house and make her use broken toys and a fire truck when we played house. Kristen- I am sorry. I am also sorry that you had a mullet when we were younger.

In closing:
*Facebook creeps me out. Probably because it makes me feel like a total creep.
*Our friend Ryan's music is legit and I can't stop listening to it!
*Commericals staring pinatas are scary. Esp when they talk! yikes!!

HAPPY BiRFDAY!

IT'S MEG'S BIRTHDAY!!! YAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUDDY! (shots tonight? yes. we need to find a keg to re-do this moment. perhaps the bar will let us bum one, I mean, come on it is your birthday!)

www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts. Check it out.

I like to read blogs. I also like to watch the office. (hence the blog-and-office-title) So the blog thing has a point, the office not so much...I also see bloggers that I enjoy out in my 'hood alot.

So clarifing the stalker thing...not so much stalking as running into someone you don't know at all, all the time. So there's this blog that is pretty funny called jakeandamir.com with these two dudes jake and amir (obvi). Anyway, they have silly videos that they make. (sidenote: me and meg should put funny videos up but we never have a camcorder around when we're being funny aka all the time, plus, i'm pretty camcorder shy.)

So Amir, of Jake and Amir fame, is everywhere. Legit, I've seen him like 5 times in the past few weeks (twice in one day!) and since I'm pretty awkward, I cannot say anything but I look and make eye contact like I'm going to...It's like seeing someone you had a class with on the subway and you don't know if you should wave or say 'hey' so you do a weird half smile and walk in the same direction awkwardly. Anyway, Jake and Amir, you guys are funny, I am a fan. And hey! next time I'm trying to unlock my apartment while smoking a cig and talking on the phone, I'll totes say 'amir! you're legit.' and we'll prob laugh about this.

Check these kids out...jakeandamir.com

Rad-ness:
*Tomorrow= Mega's bday. Happy Birthday tomorrow Meg.
*Also, schmegma is no longer allowed to be used as a greeting, nickname, insult, or art term since pat decided to kill it. over and over in text, wall post, and email.
*Meg and I need a fan page on the facebook. And probably a fan base. and a fan clubhouse. like on sandlot.

I still love Hilary...

but I have a perfect rap song for b. Obama's campaign.

I think he should definately use it, because it will blow Hil out the goshdarned water if he raps this shit on the cap. or to the cap. or whatever.

now. the best part about that whole song is not merely that its kinda crappy, doesn't flow, and doesn't quite match the original song (hey, I might be street but it doesn't mean I can rap), it is how it all went down. (Obama doesn't need to know this part homes)

lemme tell you a little story:

this one time (back in the day...uhm), when I was in college, I took a comedy writing class. You see, I happen to be easily intimated, overly critical of myself, shy around large groups of people I don't know (note: whilst sober) and ebb towards extreme procrastination/laziness/apathy.

having that said, taking a comedy writing class and trying to hone my comedic skillz was not something the above described Mega would be particularly good at, unless randomly enthused (meaning: drug induced inspiration).

so I write this diddy with distracted stoned Brittish and miss un-nameable monster listening and adding criticism one night during 24 (meaning: bad call Mega). I printed it out double spaced lookin' all saucy and fly and shiz... and I go to class thinkin' she might not know rap, but she could think this shit is funny.


and then I found out we had to perform our songs for the class. (see: yay!... no)

some kid pulls out his effin' guitar and sings some Lindsay Lohan rip to James Blunt (note: HOW DID HE KNOW TO BRING HIS GUITAR?) some kids try real hard to sing and are hilarious, and i'm just not sure if its a good thing that I am the only one who picked a rap song, and also the only one to pick a song that was never on Casey Kasem's top 40 list.

I just wait. because maybe, just maybe, we'll run out of class time before I can go.

nope.

nope.

nope.

I have to go, so I announce what its based on (Juicy), and proceed, at top speed, to mumble, completely out of rhythm, and with no flow what-so-ever(see: talk) (note:my family would be so disappointed) my wonderfully crafted ditty.

words cannot simply explain the amount of suckage I encompassed. Actually words could, if I ever decided to rap any song again (note: whilst not 5 shots deep standing on a bar stool)

my feedback (note: aside from the complete lack of laughter throughout and after): "that didn't even sound like a song, it sounded like a poem."

Aside from the fact that that has nothing to do with whether it was actually funny/good... no nevermind, thats the only fact.

so, now i'm thinking, ok fine, i'll hand it in, and she'll read it and be like, "oh I was being a huge whore-mongering, uneducated twat. rap is quite like poetry, and the words are wonderfully crafted, Mega just isn't a formidable word-spitter" (note: by she, i mean my prof of course).

but alas. we aren't going to hand it in at all. she doesn't need it, she heard them alllll already.


sweet. tragic. whatthefuck.



but with no further tangents... here is/was my rap for Barack Obama.

(to the tune of Juicy by Biggie Smalls)

It was all a dream
I used to read Economist magazine
Jimmy Carter and Mandela up in the limousine
Stickin' pictures on my wall
Every Saturday black attack or just “Barry” at the mall
I left my bowl stocked 'til my mind popped
Smokin' weed and bamboo, snortin’ on primo rock
Way back, when I had the double Windsor
With the satchel to match
Remember back at school, was hard, was hard
You never thought Obama would make it this far
Now I'm in the primes right 'cause I poll tight
Time to get votes, and campaign in the swing states
I’m half black, the balance of a winner
‘Cause I still remember when I’d play bridge after dinner
I'm blowin' up like Time said I would
Call the White House, after Hillary is gone for good
And if you don't know, now you know, Demo’s

[Chorus:]

You know very well who you are
Won’t let you hold me down, reach for the stars
You have you girls, but they’re not that angry
Yeah, I’m the only one, I'll give you black man fury


[Verse Two:]

Oh Hillary, a common thief
Not even whitewater stains can be bleached
Your far from deep, ghostwriters didn’t pen my “Dreams”
I Guess spreadin’ “love” is the Clinton way
Polarizing keeps you pissy
Republicans call you bitchy
Yeah they writing letters 'cause they miss me
Now Demos play me close like butter played toast
From the swing states up to the east coast
Mansion in Oahu, D.C. for weeks
Sold out seats to hear Barack Obama speak
Livin' life without fear
Buildin’ bipartisan coalitions for years
I’ve never mentioned, plantations, at soirees
…on Martin Luther King Day
Stereotypes of a politician misunderstood
And it's still all good

Uh...and if you don't know, now you know, Demos

[Chorus:]








oh, i love biggie. and ima send this shiz to b.o. right now.

The stalkerness comes full circle

So this post will be completed later but tonight was crazy seeing
people who I enjoy night... Oh bawls

drinks in yo mouf...

i stumbled across this little ditty about drinkin buddies. I kinda loved this because its true. i dedicate this post to spell check. couldnt have done it with out you, oh and to stellas, the crew, and the after party. enjoy that.

Drinking Buddies

gum in yo hair

you know when you're walking to get somewhere, and you're running kind of late... and when you're like 5 blocks away your shoe begins to come untied. You're on a crowded sidewalk, its cold, you're late, so you figure you can make it as your shoe becomes looser and looser on your foot. you really wanna stop and tie your stupid shoe, but you just don't cuz you figure its just not worth it. at some point the shoe starts flopping off your heel and you start walking kind of funny to keep it firmly on your foot. and then you reach your destination and you're walking in like a retarded penguin whose has had one too many quaaludes. Everyone just sort of looks at you funny as your frantically wiping the sweat from your brow, because walking like a retarded penguin is quite the aerobic exercise. And you really want you explain yourself, but can't, because you know it will make you seem like more of a crazy than you actually look.

i'd say thats pretty much the metaphor for my life.


that pretty much sums it up. i don't do awkward, i am it.

its like crooked teeth. gives you character. or at least thats what my ma always said.

this was after, of course, she confessed she thought i may have been slightly retarded as a child.

apparently, most mothers don't find it normal for their angelic little girl to sit in the corner of the kitchen and laugh at nothing for hours.

oh well.

my kitchen awaits.

Awkward is the new black

Things that make me awkward:
1. I fall down sober
2. I blog from my phone while trying to ignore evryone in my class
3. I talk and make jokes...while I'm hooking up with some people
4. I tried my first egg at the age of 21 I also failed at cooking an egg yesterday
5. My list has more than two items ( and this is the short list)
So obvi awkwardness, to me, is an artform. I am pretty skilled at making every situation I get myself into as awkward as possible. So here is the cait mad awks report or rant...we'll see how it goes as I am currently sitting in the hallway of waverly 5th floor blogging from my eyefone.

So basically I have this problem where I run into people all the time and while that sounds like a good thing believe me, tis not because mostly I see the people who I either have an awkward
relationship with or who I hate and then, i always make that situation awkward for me, that person, and everyone around us. There are several categories that I put these run-ins into...

1. Girls
Not all girls but the type where its a mutual dislike and while I perfected the art of fake hellos in my all girls private high school, some people aren't worth the effort! I usually just say something totally beligerant like "suck a dick" or call them a whore and tell them that prostitutes aren't served at all about food (sidenote: I have nothing against prostitues, more power to em) I'm just telling them things they already know!

2. Boys I used to fuck
This one isnt usually bad since mostly I am friends with these dudes but there are those exceptions who end up just being forever awkward. Like when you are hooking up for awhile and they get a real gf and just forget to ever call you again until they breakup? Yeah those are weird seeing when ya dont expect it. Then it turns into a weird hello followed by running in different directions. Good times!

There are some more categories that aren't as funny when they happen like famous/people I think are famous, boys I dont call back, hookup buddys gfs and exs and people who's names I dont remember.

Are you awkward? Or do you have awkward stories that relate? Let us know! caitlin.sullivan6@gmail.com

Bangerrang.

So on Tuesday night i visited the glorious pretentiousness that is Sweet and Vicious for copious amounts of jameson shots and budweisers. Outside, i ran into (followed) who i thought would be a super cool E-list celebutard... the dude from Boondock Saints... not the hot one, the one that looks like he has fetal alcohol syndrome...




(he actually looks much more strung out in person) and he tried to bum a cigarette (rich much) but i didn't have them on me, and then i decided to spit some Class A game on him.

and when i say class A game, i pretended i didn't know who he was, acted super awkward and then climbed up the side of the building next door. I figured, admitting that he starred in one of my favorite movies as well as keeping two feet on the sidewalk would not suffice.

He introduced himself the second time i went out to stalk him, "hi i'm Norman, and i am a tool" and all i could muster in my disgust for what could have been was "Mega".

i thought that dude was gonna be bangerrang, but lemme tell you, what a fucktard.

i think my class A game was legit though, I seriously wouldn't be surprised to find a missed connection from him. it would go something like this:

Heading: Blonde Chain Smoker Outside Sweet and Vicious (m4w soho)

Body: Saw you on tuesday night. I really like how you scaled that wall, i think you said your name was Megatron or something, i'm that dude that you said looked familiar but couldn't place it. maybe i could help you place it another time? or place something else... we could have a lot of fun being anonymous on the les and scaling walls and shit. that would be bangerrang.
-N


he would be lucky to have me. i am for serious legit at dispelling awkwardness by climbing walls.