Cait is kind of a stalker...

... and that is the truuf.




People may wonder why it is that I always rip on Cait. I offer two reasons.

1. She is an easy target.
2. I always make fun of those I love.

One time someone offered me similar reasons to why I was the butt of all jokes/the focus of rumors/the ending point to multiple fists. It was in junior high. I was told, “Mega, I am always mean to people I love! You know I love you!”…
I then walked into the girl’s 2nd floor bathroom to find “Meg gives great dome. Call her at xxx-xxxx”.
She also didn’t call me Mega, she called me bitch. But lovingly of course…

I don’t mean it like that when I say it about Cait. If I wanted to give a crappy cunty excuse I would use the same one I was given as a mere 7 year old. So here was the situation…

Me and my bff who lived down the block were riding bikes one day, you know, talking life, shootin’ the shit. We went back to her house for some refreshments, and I noticed that there were cupcakes all over the dining room table. I asked her what all the cupcakes were for. I was then surprised to hear that later on in the evening she was having a birthday party.

Did I loose the invite? Did I just forget? Before I had a chance to ask I was informed, “I would have invited you, but we didn’t have enough cupcakes”. I continued on naively to explain that I didn’t even really care about cupcakes, nor like them very much. Bless my young heart.

Not enough cupcakes? Not cool. 

By the way Cait, you can’t come to my birthday party anymore, I won’t have enough Jager shots to go around.

Dream Jobs Rule!

There are some jobs that I would do anything to get. And I mean anything. Since I was told that I didn't have the chops to make it as a high class call girl (pipe dreams. what can ya do?) I decided to re-evaluate my future. As I graduate from college and Meg, a recent college grad, I think there are certain jobs that are always overlooked.

1. Superhero!
Superheroes are pretty much the most awesome people ever. This job allows you to work a day job and have an alias. You also get a superpower! Where else can ya wear a sassy spandex outfit (a la Wonder Woman) and fly, walk through walls and have a sweet secret hide out. Oh and the crime fighting thing is also a plus. Salary is sketchy, so I think ya need to have a "normal" job to support your basic needs.

Related fields: Super Villian, Power Ranger, Chuck Norris.

2. Miss AmericaNow I hear that you're only Miss America for a year but come on, I bet that can be changed. If I were Miss America, as my career, I would probably wear my crown everyday and make above face all the time whenever I walk into a room. I'd do my charity work and uphold the title and shit but I'd also be on every TV show and promote my ass.

Related fields: America's Next Top Model, American Idol, American Gladiator

3. Oprah.

That one is probably my top choice. I want to know how to get that job and when can I start. Not only would I get to be a bagillionaire, but I'd be on TV takling the big issues like how many cars to give away, or what are my favorite things. I'd learn useful skills like how to deal with crazy celebrities and what books I will make people read. My first act as Oprah would be to buy everyone in my audience a helicopter and a mini pony.

Related fields: Oprah's best friend, Queen of England, Tyra Banks


What would be your dream job? Let us know!

Meg went to college...

I really was enlightened by Mega's post on FAQ's. So as I lay in my bed wishing I could get a do-over for last night, I came across something silly that actually validates the man nipple question Meg so sassily answered.

Also Meg, sky is blue because of the reflection of the ocean on particles in the atmosphere or something. I learned it once somewhere.

Millionaire Match Maker is a funny show (I don't think it was meant to be that way though) It just shows how ridiculous people are. Not gonna lie, all these people are just after sex. Plain and simple. It really makes me:
1. Never ever want to join a dating serive for millonaires
2. Wish I was a millionaire
3. Never want trust my future happiness to a reality TV show (esp one where sex is total prohibited)
4. Want my own reality TV show about unsuccessful dates and pop-up video featuring emo music videos combined with some sort of Survivor-esq elimination challenges. It will be called Ultimate Dating or maybe Project Top Millionaire Extreme Dating Challenge

On the subject of shitty relationships (which are my specialty! Hi-Five!) My friend DC and his comedy group Derrick (of UCBT and College Humor fame! def check them out they're hilarious!) have a video about just that. Heartbreak is funny. Maybe thats what I'll call my show!

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

I am prepping myself for Meg's retort to this which will most likely call me out on the college humor thing...they're funny dudes man, that is all.

snitches get stitches...

and thats the truth. 

speaking of the truth. its not good to spill it at 4am.

i got me a-schwasted last night, and decided, i'm going to write some "truthful"  e-mails.

i also tried to watch the video Cait posted with only one eye open. that eye swiftly closed when i shot a load in it.

i still haven't seen the video all the way through. ima watch it later. optimus prime turns me on.
but i know cait only posted it cuz she has a boner for the college humor guys.

i may have tried to post too, GOOD THING. Not like anyone could tell the difference between mega sober post and mega three-sheets posts. 

but here would be the ending to my "truthful" e-mail. this is not made up i promise. 

"i thought that we were cool and shit. for realz. you kids are just foolz. sittin in chairs, drinking out of cups. bullshit. no way. lets be friends again okay? sounds good to me!"

i went on to speak of tea parties and the rock of love. yay... meg...


to wrap this up, i'm going answer some questions that have been a mystery to some people for ages upon ages. Call me the truth-teller. 

1. why do girls go to the bathroom together?

well, usually, its to do drugs. but on the rare occasion its not, they went to make out and catch a glimpse of each other's twats. 

2. why do men have nipples?

i know there was a book about it, but that book is full of poncey-ass lies. why do men have nipples? because its the male equivalent of penis envy. 

3. Did you get a hair cut?

no.

4. Why is the sky blue?

because it is motherfucker. you really wanna know the truth? ask jeeves bitch. 

5. Why will girls speak about their period in public, but never their poo? (submitted by Matt).

Would you like to really hear about either? pick your greater evil. at least when a chick talks about the crimson wave you know that your not getting any pussy... What do you learn from chicks talkin' about poop? That your date is regular? that she has been drinking her metamucil? takin' her Amitiza on the daily? its called being subtle motherfucker. 

6. Why do men stare intensely at the wall in front of them at the urinal?

they have to. otherwise they won't be able to resist the urge to look at someone else's wang. 

7. why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

cuz the man who invented both had dyslexia. his name was egroeg. he lived in a esuoh that never got liam because the numbers were fucking inverted. that dumb kcuf.

8. what is the cut off age for a baby at which point its crying goes from cute to annoying?

crying is never cute and neither are babies. babies are meant for eating.
bleck. ew. gross. babies are gross and that is the truth. they are only cute whilst in my mouth and NOT crying.





thats all. you got questions? i got answer. And my mom always says she paid for a useless degree. 

this is the genius that is genius that is Jasmine planning a party...

mega wishes she was this awesome...

Megatron lives a secret life. This made me laugh.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

The truf about Cait...

On occasion I have been known to at least try to have a few original ideas.

This is not one of those occasions.

Now, I do sincerely wanna put it in Cait’s butt, but there was a serious lack in her previous post.

If I were Cait, this is how her post would go.

So in my short years in the dating scene… and when I say dating scene I mean the few short years in which I was sexually active whilst still young enough to consider 8 jager bombs and titty fucking a “date”… I have learned a few things about entertaining a gentleman caller in one’s own shag pad. I don’t wanna sound like your Mother, I just want to entertain (fuck) like her, and want you too as well! So here we go, I’m not saying you should move, or buy some furniture (theres nothing wrong with foldy chairs and air mattresses kids), but here are some things that girls, or boys, should keep in their head upon allowing a member of the opposite sex into their home.



1. “I want a boy so drunk he doesn’t talk”.

Words to live by. Stock the fridge with beer, restock you Jagerator, because as Al Bundy said “It's never quite the same when you're sober, is it?”. It is in fact, a great way to set the mood, and a great way to get someone to take off their pants.



2. A DVD player in the bedroom can make things more interesting…

… if your idea of more interesting is watching “Brian’s Song” in the buff. What you really need is an internet connection, a wide screen labtop, and a subscription to a good porn site. On top of that, a nightstand next to the bed, in which you can stock full of all the necessary objects of a night well spent: whip, handcuffs, assorted condoms, leash, tissues, banana flavored massage cream, and a blindfold. You might as well throw in some Advil for the next morning. Or a vibrator just in case “A Walk to Remember” comes on TBS and plans get thrown out of whack.



3. Everyone likes guitar hero.

Which is why if you ever want to get laid, hid that shit. Nothing says banging like actual banging, and if your interested in clearing out the cobwebs, your rendition of Living on a Prayer or whatever shitty song is “your jam” can wait until you don’t have a willing, waiting, (preferably) drunk individual in close proximity to your bed. No one ever got turned on by seeing their date hit the orange button on their toy Gibson Les Paul.



4. Clean your shit.

No one wants to see, smell, or hear about the three month old crum stains on your bed. That shit is not legit. I’m not even talking about ensuring you get nasty here, I’m talking about possible hygienic repercussions. Many-a-willy have taken a nosedive south to never return again after seeing the state of my bedroom. I have learned my lesson, and I apologize to those who I have scarred. Learn from my mistakes. Be responsible.



5. Have Fun!

Because if its not fun, it’s a potential felony. And trust me from experience, it takes a long time to shake off that stigma. No one wants to be represented as a little red dot in the New York Post’s article about sex offenders on the island of Manhattan. East Village, I am sorry for sullying your ‘hood.

Some helpful tips...

So in my short years in the dating scene, I've learned a few things about bringing guys back to your house. Just remember- you should always know the dude. I don't want to sound like your mom but strangers are kind of sketch. Just be smart. These tips have been compiled from experience with people I've known for a while and can be altered from hook-ups to just hanging out. So here we go. Now I'm not saying you need to change your apartment or anything, but here are a few things that girls should keep in the back of their heads when contemplating bringing a dude back to "hang out" at your place...

1. Beers in the fridge are always clutch

When bringing a guy back, especially after being out at a bar, it's usually a good idea to invite them up for a drink. If you have premeditated this after date hang out, you should be prepared. Having a 6-pack or a cheap bottle around the apartment can really help...set the mood.

2. DVD player in the bedroom can make things more interesting.

So here's a little story that happened to me... so I was hanging out with a guy friend of mine once and we decided to watch a movie, he happened to watch movies naked. I didn't want to make him feel awkward and you know...whatever. So in my experience, guys like to "watch movies" and they're usually naked while doing it.

3. Everyone likes guitar hero.

That's pretty self explanatory. Nothing says bangin' good time like battling it out to some classic rock.

4. Put sheets on your bed.

I'm a messy person. I have clothes all over my room and that's not a huge turn off to most guys (who are usually just as, or more messy as I am) but no one likes to chill on a bed without sheets, it reminds we of a cheesy motel on 9th ave where you pay by the hour.

5. Have fun!

Don't be afraid to be silly, laugh, or make jokes. It usually makes things less awkward for the both of you (esp. if you guys are friends first. it makes things more comfortable.)

In a totally unrelated story...

I found a really cool website that lets you make mixed tapes and share them online! As a girl who loves a good mix, I'm pretty much in love with whoever made it up. And if they are reading this, they can contact me here. Because I'm down.

http://www.muxtape.com/

we have way too much time on our hands...

so the title is pretty obvious...and pretty much that sums us up.

Heres a little bit of fun facts about us! (by Cait)

*Cait knows every song on every commerical. She will sing them to you.
*Cait is a blackbelt in karate. and by karate, she means high 5's.
*Cait enjoys skateboard-fight club. Its pretty exclusive, Meg will never ever ever become a member due to her lack of skillz, coordination, and the fact that she has 6 toes on her left foot.
*Mega is actually a picture frame model and you can see her work behind the pictures that live in your frames.
*Cait and Meg met when they were traveling through the jungle looking for three toed sloths, they were on opposite teams, obviously Cait came out the victor based purely on karate skills.
*Meg loves Pauly Shore (and that one is 100% true...)
*Cait and Meg are really good at dancing awkwardly, and just being awkard in general.
*Meg can't read.
*Cait wrote a book once, its a little classic called War and Peace, you may have read it.
*Meg actually can't write either, none of us have the heart to tell her that pictures don't count as words.
*Meg's favorite TV show is Tyra Banks, but only the episodes about Tyra's own life.
*Cait is pretty smart. Yes both.



Fun Facts: (written, and thus also read, by Meg)

*The first thing Meg does when she gets in the shower is wash her hair.
*Meg actually invented blogs. Which is how she knows that Cait has a secret blog about unicorns.
*Cait really likes unicorns. Mostly because its the longest word she can pronounce.
*Meg doesn't need to read. 'cause she is so hot, everyone just reads to her.
*Cait's primary inspiration for starting a blog is to get laid.
*In her previous life, Meg was a hair stylist from Wyoming who cut hair on her back porch and charged a 6-pack of beer for her services.
*When Meg says previous life, she means 3 months ago.
*When Meg says 3 months ago, she means she was talking about Cait.
*Meg actually found the three-toed sloth. and made shoes out of it. fuck you karate.
*Meg is only writing these last two so Cait can't win.
*Meg is a champion extreme walker. Cait has no legs.


aright you stupid motherfuckers. i say stupid because if you believe any of the garbage from above then you were clearly beaten by a retard stick as a chilren. let me lay out the truuf for you. as told by kinglordqueengod j$.

facts as corrected by sexatronic goddess girl:

*cait and meg made this blog so they could feel better about being completely and utterly inferior to your truely. but for serious they worship my fat black ass. i say suck they say how hard. and that is the truuf.

*cait is a blackbelt in giving dome, all types, circumsized uncircumsized. but when it comes to karate the most youll see is some judo-chopping off of your dick in her mouth.

*fuck right meg is a faster walker than cait, not because cait has no legs (yeah right she be on her knees in chuch all the time... dont worry its with the priest) its because meg is a fucking tripod. her dick is longer than my last 'boyfriends'...

*when cait says she wrote war and peace she just means you can find her doing a naked dance to uhn war what is it good for on youtube. relish in that shit, she doesnt know its up yet.

*meg farts. alot. and it smells

*cait does the same thing, but from a different hole, dont let her fool you she said shes afraid of queefs but she loves dat shizz

*king-lord-sexitron-megabitch-goddess j$is the queen of the motherfucking world. and dont you forget it. that is the most truthful thing i've ever spoke. on the real. she has a hot box.