Mojo and Aquisitions

Who: fat baby bartender

Where: fat baby

When: approximately 2 weeks ago

Why: something about handlebar mustaches just do it for me i guess

How: the creepy approach

Summary: the creepy approach is by far the most fun tactically. Essentially, what one does, is just act super creepy (thus the appropriate nomenclature) in attempt of acquiring man meat. This approach also requires a whole bunch of Jameson so as inhibition and self-respect significantly drop. So heres the skinny: decided handlebar would be a prime target, and also, a super cute one. Each time his back was turned to me, i mouthed "i love you" so as all the other bar patrons could see, except for him. Then, to up the stakes, i said it to his face, in a creepy stalker sort of way. One would think that a blind profession of love to a stranger would leave him taken aback, but no. Rather, instead, he asked me to marry him. So we staged a marriage during a cigarette break, and of course during the "you may kiss the bride" section, I got my upperlip tickled by the handlebar goodness that was his hipsterstache. I continued to profess my love, really really creepily as the night progressed (and my bar tab grew) to the point where he couldn't laugh it off anymore. This merely fueled his fire. And what a nice fire it was. the night commenced with him asking for my number, and my writing it up the entire length of his forearm in red permanent marker.

Rating: success. he never called, but i didn't want him to. i win.