The truf about Cait...

On occasion I have been known to at least try to have a few original ideas.

This is not one of those occasions.

Now, I do sincerely wanna put it in Cait’s butt, but there was a serious lack in her previous post.

If I were Cait, this is how her post would go.

So in my short years in the dating scene… and when I say dating scene I mean the few short years in which I was sexually active whilst still young enough to consider 8 jager bombs and titty fucking a “date”… I have learned a few things about entertaining a gentleman caller in one’s own shag pad. I don’t wanna sound like your Mother, I just want to entertain (fuck) like her, and want you too as well! So here we go, I’m not saying you should move, or buy some furniture (theres nothing wrong with foldy chairs and air mattresses kids), but here are some things that girls, or boys, should keep in their head upon allowing a member of the opposite sex into their home.



1. “I want a boy so drunk he doesn’t talk”.

Words to live by. Stock the fridge with beer, restock you Jagerator, because as Al Bundy said “It's never quite the same when you're sober, is it?”. It is in fact, a great way to set the mood, and a great way to get someone to take off their pants.



2. A DVD player in the bedroom can make things more interesting…

… if your idea of more interesting is watching “Brian’s Song” in the buff. What you really need is an internet connection, a wide screen labtop, and a subscription to a good porn site. On top of that, a nightstand next to the bed, in which you can stock full of all the necessary objects of a night well spent: whip, handcuffs, assorted condoms, leash, tissues, banana flavored massage cream, and a blindfold. You might as well throw in some Advil for the next morning. Or a vibrator just in case “A Walk to Remember” comes on TBS and plans get thrown out of whack.



3. Everyone likes guitar hero.

Which is why if you ever want to get laid, hid that shit. Nothing says banging like actual banging, and if your interested in clearing out the cobwebs, your rendition of Living on a Prayer or whatever shitty song is “your jam” can wait until you don’t have a willing, waiting, (preferably) drunk individual in close proximity to your bed. No one ever got turned on by seeing their date hit the orange button on their toy Gibson Les Paul.



4. Clean your shit.

No one wants to see, smell, or hear about the three month old crum stains on your bed. That shit is not legit. I’m not even talking about ensuring you get nasty here, I’m talking about possible hygienic repercussions. Many-a-willy have taken a nosedive south to never return again after seeing the state of my bedroom. I have learned my lesson, and I apologize to those who I have scarred. Learn from my mistakes. Be responsible.



5. Have Fun!

Because if its not fun, it’s a potential felony. And trust me from experience, it takes a long time to shake off that stigma. No one wants to be represented as a little red dot in the New York Post’s article about sex offenders on the island of Manhattan. East Village, I am sorry for sullying your ‘hood.